Dealing with Disappointment
Well, it’s been awhile, hasn’t it? It’s been a very busy time, with lots of things happening. Work is going well (at least April was good… hopefully it’ll continue).
I got a letter in the mail this past week letting me know that I am on the waiting list at the medical school I interviewed at. The waiting list is obviously better than being denied outright, but the waiting continues. It could be as early as today that I might hear good news from the admissions committee, but it could also be as late as a few days before classes start in August. Probably not, but possibly. If you know me well you know how much I want to go to medical school. You know how much I have wanted to get in and start studying the human body and be able to learn skills that I can use to really impact the lives of those around me. As of now, I still don’t know if that is going to happen this year or not.
I think that the worst thing about not knowing is continuing tp run two races at a time. I have a job that compensates me based on how much I sell. Work/Sell more, earn more; work/sell less, earn less. At the same time, I am trying to get into medical school, with all of the requirements and deadlines, etc. So my cup runs dry constantly. Much of that is me not spending time with God as I should, but it is also exhausting, both physically and mentally. I am not able to make plans for the future. I am not able to look at careers, finances, etc. with a long term focus. I have to have two scenarios – one that includes medical school, and one that does not.
So I am disappointed. I am not angry with God. (How could I be angry with God? What do I have that is not a gift from HIm?) I am not fed up with God. (What… I could really justify saying that I’ve had it with the Creator of the universe?) I am simply disappointed.
So what can I say about this experience now, regardless of how it turns out? The same thing that countless saints before me have said. “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21). “I know you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted” (Job 42:2). “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come, Your will be done” (Matthew 6:9-10). “Father, if your are willing, [place] this cup [before] me. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours, be done” (Luke 22:42). “Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that’ ” (James 4:14-15). “The works of His hands are faithful and just; all His precepts are trustworthy” (Psalm 111:7). “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for his steadfast love endures forever” (Psalm 106:1).
It is hard to pray, “God, if this is not of you, I pray that You would keep it from happening,” but that is the way Jesus prayed in the garden before the Cross. That is the way of holiness and righteousness. More and more I am convinced that I am a pawn on the chessboard of life, moved by the providential hand of God. “May the Lord do what seems good to Him” (II Samuel 10:12).
Michael, I read this with a heavy and hopeful heart all at the same time. Know that we are praying for you…for the wrestling, the connecting with the Father, the ups and downs of hope, for standing on His promises and word, for the heart that perseveres, and for the tangible of the day in day out work while you wait. I thank God that He has brought you and Jen to Fellowship, and I pray that we can come around you to encourage and sharpen.
I’m praying for you as well Michael. I was on my med school’s waiting list for a short while, but I had lots of friends that were on it for much longer. I trust that God’s plan is for you to be a physician. He will make it happen.